I was viewing my blogger dashboard today and realised that I have more posts in 'draft' than I have published. Reason: Many.
Sometimes its the lack of words or the insufficiency in which they present themselves. Sometimes its the lack of emotion. Sometimes the sudden scare to not let the feeling out in the world for people to see and interpret. Sometimes the need to remain secretive and sometimes just not enough faith.
As I re read these posts I went back to how I felt when I had saved these as drafts and left them unpublished. How my head functioned for that one second when I shut the window. Its strange, but almost always there was this fear. Fear of people knowing, fear of not being good enough, fear of hurting others.
So if I didn't publish the post about how my friends betrayed me, or how colours affect me, or how that one day I felt like going away...those were days I had the fear. Fear of being seen. Fear of being judged and the fear of just feeling like i'm in the "naked at school" dream. So I let it be. Wrote those anger posts, posts of disappointed, posts of love, posts of not being understood and then just left them safely where no one could find them.
So i'm going to now very quickly press "publish post" with the fear of this going down as another draft.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
THE post.
At times, just when things seem fine and when we finally start believing that life isn't such a bitch after all, it does something to prove us wrong.
There are no reasons for the bad things that happen to us or to those around us. No explanation why some one's life is cut short by 50 years in a flash of a second. Or why some people go Scott free despite the crimes they commit. I'm not young enough or old enough to buy the age old excuse "god just loved them more and wanted them close to him". Sorry, it just doesn't cut it. We've always been told how god is this generous magnanimous energy and then to make us believe that he's selfish enough to take people away from their loved ones? Sorry, like i said it just doesn't cut it!
So if there are no reasons, no second chances, no comebacks; should there be no hope too? should there be no belief?
I know i believe in God and no matter how hard i try to not believe in him, i find myself praying to him every night. He has a way with us, a way of showing us that all is not lost. that all is never lost. In the worst of our times he'll shine a ray of sanity. Something that'll make us believe in humanity and the purpose of living again. It could be the smallest of thing. it could be the cab driver who drove you at 3 in the morning across the city or the security guards who offered you their chair. Absolutely anything.
But then again, are these smaller things power full enough to over power the loss? I highly doubt that. Time they say is the best healer. Everything, even the deepest wounds heal with time. So should we wait? wait for it to pass? Only to know that once this passes, something else will be there to grieve about.
There are no reasons for the bad things that happen to us or to those around us. No explanation why some one's life is cut short by 50 years in a flash of a second. Or why some people go Scott free despite the crimes they commit. I'm not young enough or old enough to buy the age old excuse "god just loved them more and wanted them close to him". Sorry, it just doesn't cut it. We've always been told how god is this generous magnanimous energy and then to make us believe that he's selfish enough to take people away from their loved ones? Sorry, like i said it just doesn't cut it!
So if there are no reasons, no second chances, no comebacks; should there be no hope too? should there be no belief?
I know i believe in God and no matter how hard i try to not believe in him, i find myself praying to him every night. He has a way with us, a way of showing us that all is not lost. that all is never lost. In the worst of our times he'll shine a ray of sanity. Something that'll make us believe in humanity and the purpose of living again. It could be the smallest of thing. it could be the cab driver who drove you at 3 in the morning across the city or the security guards who offered you their chair. Absolutely anything.
But then again, are these smaller things power full enough to over power the loss? I highly doubt that. Time they say is the best healer. Everything, even the deepest wounds heal with time. So should we wait? wait for it to pass? Only to know that once this passes, something else will be there to grieve about.
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